


Rearview

by airham



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, M/M, Pain, Self-Doubt, post-breakup thoughts?, what do you do when you don't feel good enough?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-14
Updated: 2020-10-14
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:48:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27006865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/airham/pseuds/airham
Summary: Akaashi doubts himself and others far too often.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Miya Osamu
Comments: 2
Kudos: 16





	Rearview

Insecurities—they have always been the foundation of akaashi’s deepest fears. It is impossible for akaashi to be fearless, no matter the situation the first thoughts that flood his head are self-doubt. He couldn’t, he wasn’t able, it felt impossible for him to break through the surface when it came opening himself up to another. Sure, keiji could tell you able the simple thoughts on his mind, he was an editor and went to college for a degree in literature. If he didn’t have a way with words, what was the purpose of his being? What was the purpose of his existence if he couldn’t paint a pretty picture for you with the small and quiet comments that slipped through his lips? Yet however quiet that akaashi’s exterior seemed to be, his mind was always so loud and it was ruthless, he was ruthless—especially when it came to himself. 

When he first saw Osamu, he couldn’t help but think about how admirable the younger twin was in comparison to his brother. Both were extraordinary and almost seemed to be on another level far beyond his comprehension, but nothing was impossible if you put in a little effort. The first time akaashi saw him, he didn’t want to take the leap, to put in the effort. He was scared of rejection and so once again during nationals, he allowed his insecurities to overpower him. The second time they met, Miya had let his hair return to his natural color, and keiji was left thoughtless. It took a lot to wipe his ever-busy brain clean and at the time the overwhelming aura of confidence and self-assurance that Osamu provided consumed his entire being. During this rare instance, akaashi’s thoughts were quiet and he had unknowingly fallen. Despite this, keiji’s brain didn’t allow him to speak his true thoughts and so stuck to the formalities, ordered his food, and then left. Thankfully, Osamu was just as captivated by akaashi’s presence and so he took all the first steps, he initiated and for once, akaashi thought maybe someone could be louder than the thoughts that flooded his brain. 

He was technically correct, Osamu was always louder, but what happened whenever he left for work or he felt his side of the bed being empty was something akaashi could never find himself to share. Instead, akaashi took the signals he got from his brain as warning signs that Osamu was falling out of love with him or that keiji was too mundane to ever capture the chef’s full attention. All akaashi did to his boyfriend was worry him because keiji was incapable of taking care of himself. Taking care of others came naturally since they had so much to offer, they were untapped potential waiting to be exposed. akaashi keiji saw himself as being little to nothing more than a support beam that people used whenever they needed him and he managed to convince himself that Osamu felt the same. Once akaashi convinced himself of a “fundamental truth” there was almost nothing that could ever debunk the lie he created for himself. Osamu, his onigiri man, made him so undeniably happy, and yet akaashi found himself distancing himself, physically and mentally. No longer was keiji running into the other’s arms for the warmth he so desperately needed and his eyes didn’t shine the way they had when they first began dating. Osamu saw all the signs and he was a selfish man, but when it came to akaashi he would always give him what he desired. 

“Miya-san, I think we should break up. I am no longer in love with you. I apologize and wish you the best of luck with Onigiri Miya, I know you will be a success.” 

akaashi is a damn good liar. It took years to master and he knew he loved Osamu with every bit in his body, but since he believed that Miya had fallen out of love, that he had stopped trying, keiji thought maybe the lie could fix things—maybe the lie meant that Osamu could find someone he really loved and keiji wouldn’t be wasting space. Despite the fact that akaashi was the one to break things off, all he wanted to do was apologize and weep into the chest of his beloved. Osamu was no longer his to love. He made sure he lost him because he was so afraid of opening himself up. It was always better to fake it until you make it, right? akaashi keiji never pretended to genuinely love Miya Osamu with everything he could, but he did pretend to fall out of love because his insecurities were always louder. 

“Was I ever good enough for you, Akaashi-kun? Why couldn’t I have shown you more? I love you, but if you don’t still love me then I’ll let you go. Please don’t lose to your thoughts, my love. I’ll wait for you, but I can’t do anything more if you won’t believe me. I can’t compete with your insecurities, but I’m willing to patch them up with you when you’re ready. Goodbye, Keiji.” 

Would akaashi ever be ready? He was trying, he really was doing his best but most times he hardly even knew himself. How do you find something that’s been lost and can it ever return as something stronger once it’s been lost?

**Author's Note:**

> I am so sorry. I hope this was good. It was kinda self-indulgent and it's still less than 1000 words so I'm working my way up there. It's based on some of the thoughts/feelings I had while listening to Beach Bunny's "rearview". I hope this was decent and didn't make anyone too sad. My twitter is still @aire_ol if people want to interact or anything.


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